I see her opening the door and emerge from through the bushes and step out of the darkness. "Hiya! How are you settling in?" says the Girl-Next-Door. "Yeah but the central heating is not working - I don't suppose you have the customer services number do you?". "Of course. Why don't you come inside and I'll find it for you." I usually wouldn't go into a strange woman's house, but the Rohypnol she slipped me is making me strangely compliant.

She turns her key in the door and pushes the handle down, "Ooops, it was already open and I've locked it. I suppose that's what three bottles of wine does to you". This place is awfully tidy, I think as I walk past three Rubbermaid storage boxes in the hall. There are perfectly well written notes on top of each box saying "Shoes", "Pens" and "Notes". She better like anal, because it looks like whomever she lives with is very anal. I step into the living room and see him sitting there.

Its Sign Guy! (For those of you who don't know him go here, here and finally here.) He is sitting on the sofa with his feet up eating Jaffa Cakes. He isn't wearing any socks and his toe nails are all yellow and mouldy. I try not to look at them but like car accidents, midgets and girls showing off whale tails, it is impossible not to.

"So you're after Customer Services? You'll speak to a nice girl named Sarah, who is completely clueless but always tries hard. I speak to her at least three times a week. They were supposed to be fitting the big iron gate a month ago and I've been ringing up asking about that ever since and then there was the bins and the lines on the car park and our hot water and our kitchen extractor fan. Oh and we wanted them to plant some yellow or brown flowering plants outside our window so that they would match our living room."

"And they'd match your toe nails." I think. Or at least I think I thought it and hope I didn't say it.

"If you want, tell them you know me - that should get you good service. You seem a very sensible person and you'd be a great asset to my team. Would you like a cup of tea? I would love to hear what you thought about our plans for forming a Residents Association and a Neighbourhood Watch."

I make my excuses and leave. I must get home to prepare to watch the sumptuous Sarah Beeney in Property Ladder.