If Richard Branson and Stelios Haji-Ioannou really were entrepreneurs then surely they wouldn't be squeezing the profit margins on cheap flights to some one Starbucks town in Poland or installing casinos in their jumbo jets. No. If they were really interested in making loads of money then they'd open a shop for men which stocked presents for female relatives that they are too embarrassed to admit they don't know as well as they should.

It's my sister's birthday and I need a gift. Since she is now over 30 and well into old age, I ran out of interesting ideas for her ages ago. Last year I got her a see-through tea pot. Boring but practical. And I had had a tip off from an inside source (her husband) that she wanted a tea pot. So I got one. Why can't all present getting be this easy?

I am tempted to get her a herd of goats from Oxfam but I'm worried she may think that this is too practical. She's not the sort of person to squirm with un-ease when unwrapping a present that is of no use to her at all and sit there muttering niceties while actually wishing she was unwrapping the new White Stripes CD. She would see the practical side of it and love me for thinking of someone less fortunate.

We can't have that.

I spend several hours wandering around the very large covered shopping centre that may or may not be near my home and during this time I can hear the distant call. "Heeeeellllooo! I'm easy and practical and you know she'd like me. C'mon who could not like the special blend of bland, un-interesting and inoffensive clothing I can be exchanged for. Y'know Next Vouchers make sense."

And then I realised why Stelios is too busy charging £5 for a cheese sandwich and not opening a new line of shops. Because someone has beat him to it.

Thank the Lord for "The Pier"!