Spider!!!

It scuttles across the floor of the lounge and under the sofa. It has legs that are at least 4 foot long and its body is all hairy and the size of a ping-pong ball. I shriek like a grown man, bring my feet up off the floor and wrap my arms round my knees and adopt the fetal position. If it is true and "they are more scared of you than you are of them", this one must be terrified.

My usual fall back is the vacuum cleaner, mainly because it can be done at arms length but with 10 foot long legs and a body the size of a cricket ball, I'm not sure it would fit. More importantly, I don't want sign guy leaving a sign on my door saying "You have been reported to the council for noise pollution." Hmmm, My Canadian Friend is coming over tomorrow night, I could try and trap it under a glass and leave it there for her to dispose of.

I take the grown up way out; shut the door and pretend it doesn't exist. Not for the first time, I lie in bed shaking, doubting my manhood. OH NO! What about Doc? My stuffed dwarf from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves is still in there, he is sitting on my window-sill watching for illegal fly-tipping. I wonder if he'd be able to withstand a Spider Attack! I suppose all that time spent underground will have prepared him and he does have a tiny little pick axe.

Damn, I need to pee. I get up and move towards the hall. But there it is, blocking my path. It has grown. It is now at least 40 feet wide and it has a body the size of a football. Its jaws are dripping with spider spit. It looks wounded, probably from a battle with a midget miner. I break out my emergency spider squashing paper, creep up behind it and whop it.

And now the guilt sets in. Although being squished by the MEN:lite is a more humane way to go than say the electric chair, gassing or listening to a Will Young CD, I hope it didn't feel any pain. I shed a tear. What if I've just deprived a wife of her husband and a child of its role model and bread winner. I resolve to build a shrine to dead spiders once I get the remnants of this one out of my carpet.