Shop! Shop!! Shop!!!

I walk through the very large shopping centre which may or may not be located near to my home. I am being weighed down by a very heavy bag of Millie's Cookies.

And then in a shock turn of events, Frankie Baldwin from Coronation Street comes over. She smiles her big TV star smile with brilliant white teeth, tosses her perfectly styled natural blonde / copper / brunette hair and purrs, "My you're tall. How tall are you?"

We engage in some flirty small talk. She twists her hair around her finger, smiles and nods encouragingly every time I say something witty and amusing. I feel like I am getting somewhere. I have never been out with a celeb before but dating a Coronation Street star opens a whole load of possibilities. I would finally be able to get into the VIP area of the Living Room on Deansgate and could hang our with Manchester's rich and famous like Curly Watts, Toolan from Key 103, the drummer from Oasis and Manchester City Footballer / Sumo Wrestler Richard Dunne.

Although I have a few obstacles to negotiate before I can make a move, there is a TV crew accompanying her and My Canadian Girlfriend is stood next to me.

I have been selected as a look-a-like for Channel 4's "The Friday Night Project". So it turns out that Frankie was merely pretending to flirt with me so the camera man could record me. An actor pretending to be someone they're not - How devious!!! Although between me and you, I don't think she was acting. I have seen Coronation Street and she isn't that good.

"So who do you think I look like?" I ask, waiting for a reply like Brad Pitt, David Beckham or James Masters.

"Oooh, he's a footballer, I can't remember his name - the really tall one." replies her assistant.

"Peter Fucking Crouch?!?!?" I reply. "Of all the people you had to pick from you pick the ugliest and most useless footballer in the world. There's no way I'm going to be compared to a Liverpool player."

"Ah go on!" says Frankie, "It's just a bit of fun. And you'll be on T.V." Hmmm, if my desire to go on TV was so great that I wanted to be embarrassed in front of hundreds of people - I'd go on Holiday Showdown.

Feeling depressed, I reluctantly sign the waiver.
In need of a lift, I stuff a double chocolate cookie into my mouth.