I arrive home to find a note on someone's car. Previous to this, the "Parking wars" seemed to have been dying down. The introduction of two giant black gates with large spikey things on top seem to have stopped visitors parking on the compound.

The gates are operated by a little zappy thing, which is very powerful. The other day when Matt came to visit, I managed to zap the gate open while stood in the kitchen. This is good news as the kitchen is further away than the toilet. Now I have peace of mind knowing that I am able to point Percy at the porcelain while I am waiting for guests to arrive.

I check to see if anyone is looking. I pick the note off the windscreen and read it. I momentarily consider what an incredible breach of privacy this could be and that I am fast becoming the world's biggest gossip.

Hi the letter starts in a promisingly friendly way. I notice you are parked in my car parking space. I am assuming this means you have moved into my spare room. Rent is £500 (If you are female there will be ten pounds knocked off for each point you score on the classic 1-10 hotness meter). It is payable on the first of each month. There is a £500 deposit and a £75 administration fee.

You will be required to do the washing up on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I will do it the other three days and Sunday is a day of rest. There will be no smoking, no pets and no Sado-Masochism (unless I'm invited to join in). Friday night is quiet night. Especially during "My Name is Earl".

Of course there is a chance you have not moved in and you could just be inconsiderateate visitor who has parked in my spot. If so, please can you move your car.

Thanks
xx