I put the Guardian inside the Daily Mirror and put that under my arm. I pull my baseball cap down and 'look mean'. I wait for the keys to the Transit and look forward to spening the day as a real man. My name is called, I look up and answer "'S me bud."

I sit in the van surveying the view from the high driving position. I grip the gear stick and wiggle it from side to side. I push it forwards, clench my biscep and slide it into first. I must not stall this. So far, no one at the rental place thinks that I am the sort of man who panics when he's running low on moisturiser. I slide the clutch up and the van pulls off slowly. So far so good. I perform a tentative three point turn in the car park and I'm away.

As I relax into the driving, I am overcome by an urge. It's difficult to put into words. It was like I felt a force surrounding me and taking me over. This is very strange, I suddenly don't feel like I have any control over my actions. My entire life feels like it has been given over to a higher power and I am helpless. I cannot help myself. All it needs is a trigger.

"Facking ell mate!" I scream out of the window in my best Jamie Oliver to a guy who as just given up his right of way so someone can reverse parallel park, "Where do you get your liscense? Kelloggs?"

So the vans are to blame!

I pull up outside my Canadian Girlfriend's flat and she walks out. She looks.... different.

"Well if you're gonna put your chav-a-wear on so am I. And since I moved here I never get a chance to wear these big hooped earings."

"And I suppose that's also why you've got your pony tail is off centre?"

"Erm, no. That would be a mistake."

We make our way through the back streets of Manchester towards my parents. It's vitally important that we get underway as soon as possible, the forecast is not good. We have a lot of stuff to do. There could be two van loads here. We can't afford to get held up in traffic or get bogged down in anything. If we do have to make two trips, we'll be lucky to get back by midnight. We must be on the ball!

"C'mon in" says my Mother. "I've just boiled the kettle. I'll put some toast on."