I am the cleverest person in the room. I am doing a quiz and know all the answers. I know that Bird Flu is really called H5N1 and that 8oz converts to 226g and that Luton won League 1 in 2004 - 2005 season. Everyone in the room is astounded at the breadth and depth of my knowledge.

Although, that said, being Quizmaster there would've been a riot if I didn't know all the answers.

We are holding the quiz in a Conservative Club. Being here feels uncomfortable, like being a straight man on Canal Street or like sleeping with your Cousin. The room is designed as a throwback to the good old days with gaudy pink and green striped wallpaper interrupted only by photos of the Queen and Winston Churchill.

I had set up on the stage with my laptop, PowerPoint Presentation and Projector but there was nowhere to display the questions on. So I used the skills I have learnt from "Scrapheap Challenge", I fashioned a screen by pinning back the sequined curtains at the back of the stage and revealing a grey concrete wall. However, my ingenuity and entrepreneurship was quashed by the heavy handed and petty steward behind the bar.

"That is totally unacceptable behaviour. Those curtains cost me £150 each. You must un-pin them straight away. Who do you think you are swanning into a private club and behaving this way? I knew we shouldn't let people like you in. This sort of thing is not allowed!!!"

I unpin the curtains, continue with the quiz and become convinced that she is only picking on me because I recently had a letter published in the Guardian.