I am a guest blogger!!!

MB is spending the next week saving his energy for Sunday's Great Manchester Run so he has asked if I would mind stepping into his shoes and taking over for a week. Let's get the awkward bit out of the way first.: Yes I am a little person. I am a short person, a dwarf or, if you like, a midget.

I know what you're all thinking - it's the first fucking question anyone asks me: "What was it like living with Snow White?". Firstly, she was not that pretty - she's no Kelly Brook. Sure she was probably the fairest in the land but that's not saying much when your only competition is

• Ariel the former mermaid - she had abandonment issues and that singing crab would follow her everywhere


• Sleeping Beauty whose narcolepsy was a real turn off in the sack


• Little Red Riding Hood who only liked guys who treated her mean


• Repunzel who would spend hours just combing her hair

Secondly, she was so ungrateful. We dwarves not only worked 14 hour days down t'mine and continually resuscitated her when the Evil Queen tried to kill her but we also had to do all the house work. And what did we get in return? As soon as a Prince comes along, she abandons us.

Enough of my issues. I left our Dwarf commune in the mid 60s. This was a time of upheaval for all of us. That was when Sneezy was taken away by Glaxo-SmithKlein Beecham to help test their latest antihistamine. Bashful had an epiphany and now carves out a career on the US motivational speaker circuit. And for me, it was about then that I started to feel Happy.

I should take this chance to point out that when we settled out of court there was no admission of guilt and there are no ill feelings between Happy and I. I will always maintain that it was consensual.

Of course, I was hoping to have retired a long time ago but Disney really shafted us over the merchandising and back in 1937 our Union wasn't as strong as it is now so we got paid in Magic beans. So this has left me poor and destitute. I am restricted to appearing in Christmas Pantomimes, Guest Blogging and doing book signings at Comic Book Conventions where people think it's funny to come dressed up as a Gamorean Guard.