I make the executive decision that is no longer necessary for full headlights and turn to the in-between ones, they are not bright enough to light the road but bright enough so that people can see you coming - they are neither one way nor the other. The driver's version of voting for the Liberal Democrats.

I am driving to Birmingham for a super secret special conference. (Actually I am not driving at the moment, I am sitting at my PC. So don't worry about me driving and typing at the same time - I just like to give the impression that this is a real-time account.)

We have a custom in Britain when it comes to driving on motorways. The majority of cars are only allowed in the outside two lanes. The inside lane is reserved for very big lorries and 12 year old Fiestas driven by people called Gerald. They are easy to spot because they always wear a hat. Because there are not many of these, the inside lane is usually empty even when there are more cars in the outside lane than pneumatic blondes at Peter Stringfellows.

The process of blocking up the outside two lanes, called lane hogging, also causes much annoyance. But ask any Keith or Gary in their 3 Series and they will tell you that it is always the driver in front who should pull over. "The outside lane is only for over taking" they would say "And he's not overtaking anyone. And I know I'm not but if he pulled over I'd be overtaking him."

(After offering such a sparkling insight into the customs of this Small Island, I feel all Bill Bryson)

I struggle with the Sun (the glowing sphere of hot gas, not the newspaper). It always seems to find the one gap in the elaborate structure of blinds and shades that I have in my car. It sneaks between the passenger's blind and the rear view mirror. The M6 bends slightly and the Sun seeps between the driver's blind and the windscreen strut. I consider taking a copy of The Sun (the paper) and plastering it across my windscreen.

I nearly miss seeing a cow chewing on an advert for "usedjag.com" on the side of the motorway. Thankfully, the clouds have come and made sure I could see that. I am making good time until all the traffic grinds to a halt. There are "Roadworks". Say what you want about the legacy of the Major Government - "Back to Basics", "No more sleaze", the Maastricht Treaty and the introduction of the Council Tax - but without him, we'd never have had the Cones Hotline.

I slow down and notice a sign by the side of the road. "Roadworks Delays Possible until January 2006."
Damn, I think, I need to be Birmingham in an hour and would really like to be back in Manchester for Christmas.
I better not be stuck here till then.