I try not to be a lazy writer.

I could write "and then I got off the bus" comedy every day of every week 358 days a year (I would rest on Cup Final Day and Christmas Day amongst others). You know the sort, you describe in detail about how you were doing something, usually sexual or unusual, and then in the last couple of lines you spring a surprise by saying something like - "and then I got off the bus". That is lazy writing. You can see an example of it from my very own archives - "The Commitments". Another example would be using the punchline "And that was just the teachers!"

Of course the laziest way to end a story is "and then I woke up and it was all a dream". I'm not sure how every other school worked but if you ended an essay like that in my school, you were taken behind the changing rooms and buggered. Having only recently stopped being an all boys school, there was an awful lot of anal sex. You would find it hard to walk past a classroom without seeing some rimming. And that was just the teachers.

It was with great reticence, and a slight twitching from my bottom, that yesterday I had to end my intruder story in that way. But of course, that is assuming that it was the end...

I walked out of my flat on a routine trip to the shops. As I locked my door my next door neighbour's door opened and she appeared at the door. "I think I have to make an apology to you. Did my friend come into your flat the other night? We'd had a load of drinks and he'd gone outside for a taxi and then decided to come back in."

"And when he came back to my flat he looked as white as a sheet and said 'I've just gone into the wrong apartment and this guy appeared and scared the crap out of me.' I'm really, really sorry, he didn't mean to do it. I'm just glad he didn't go into Sign Guy's house. He'd have called the police or, worse, the site manager."

"Or even worse," I add, "he could've left a note on your door."

So there we have it was an accident, I feel calm and relaxed about the situation now. It was not malicious and there was no harm done to anyone. I can put away my shotgun and be glad that it is over. Admittedly this is not very funny ending but it is an ending.

"One more thing," she added. "If you see my old flat mate, the one who looked like a brick out-house, don't let him in. He skipped out on me after not paying the rent for a couple of months. I've had the locks changed but I'm worried he could bust this door down. I still have all his stuff. In fact if you see him, call the police."