I wake up in a New York style loft apartment. The bare brick walls, large windows and high ceilings are a dead give-away. I conclude that I must be dreaming as no one I know could live in a place like this. I lie there and consider the Matrix like problems caused by waking up in a dream. If "I think therefore I am" and have a dream where I think I am someone else - who am I at that precise moment? If I wake up in a dream, how can I tell that what I am doing now is not a dream and that when I wake up in a dream, I am actually waking up for real. Deep.

The smell of rashers of bacon cooking, accompanied by the crackling sound of pig fat burning, inspires me to get up. I find my Canadian Girlfriend making me breakfast. This dream is getting very strange as this never happens. (I should point out that it is not strange that she makes breakfast for me, because she does - but it's strange because she never gets up before me.) I rise and realise that it's 12:15. And the United match starts at 12:30!!!

This is not the unusual part of the dream. I have spoken to many football and cricket fans and they confirm that missing your favourite team playing is a common recurring nightmare. Unless you're a City fan, when missing the entire 90 minutes at the Theatre of Comedy is more of a pleasant experience. So I set off and rush to the ground..... with my Mother - which is strange in two ways - she doesn't really like football and she can't drive so she's unlikely to get me there any quicker.

And I have to rush because I am either a player or a coach or a mascot or something important - this never becomes clear. Damn my obtuse dreams.

As I am entering the stadium, the guy who used to sit next to me appears and wants to catch up. But I must rush, I take a shortcut through the turnstyles and aim to go through the stand. I get inside the stadium and I must be really well known because everyone wants a photo with me, which delays me further.

I get out to he stand and can see the pitch. I must get to the pitch but I have come out on the Second Tier of the ground. I go to the edge of the stand and begin climbing down a ladder towards the pitch. I stop and notice that the ladder is made of some kind of Green Flubber.

I wake up and decide that every dream of mine from now on should contain Flubber.