In I stride into the polling both, wishing I had come in my Osama bin Laden fancy dress. How would the council lackey on a one day jolly cope with being face to face to democracy's number one enemy. Instead I decide to go in jeans and a t-shirt.

I hand over my polling card and the woman behind the desk says, "Are you MB?".
"Well last time I checked the name in the back of my pants I was." I reply wittily. "So any chance you can open one of these boxes up and let me know who's winning - I'd like to vote for the winner."
"You know full well that I can't do that." she says as she stamps the polling card really really hard.
"This ballot card doesn't have their pictures on it - how am I supposed to know which one has the best hair?"
She tuts silently.
"C'mon I only get to do these election jokes every 4-5 years, you could at least smile"
"Don't forget there are local and european elections every couple of years too," she said
I laughed heartily. "Vote in local elections, that's a good un. Nice to see you entering into the spirit."

So in the booth I try to remember:
She's the one who like going to the pub and for a curry
He's the one with the yellow teeth
She's the one whose website is "Coming Soon"
And He's the one that has spoken in 34 debates in the last year according to theyworkforyou.com

And then I vote.

"Right that's voting done for another 4-5 years. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do with all the postal votes I have under my bed."