I've heard rumours that there's an election going on. You'd have thought it would have been on the news or in the papers or something, wouldn't you?

I like election time. There's the hope, the aspiration and the fear. You can go to bed on a Thursday with one person in charge of the country and then wake up the next day with another person in charge. But thankfully, nothing ever changes.

I am caught in a bind though. I have no idea who to vote for. I feel like I'm running round Primark on Christmas Eve trying to decide which peice of tat will be least offensive to Aunty Eva. I even sat down with the main party manifestos trying to figure out which party will best mis-represent my views:

Labour:
I like the idea that I have a better job and a better car than I did in 1997, which must be down to the Government.
I don't like the idea that when they came to power I didn't have a wife and I still don't have one.

Liberal Democrats:
I like the idea that they say they'll put test cricket back on normal telly.
I don't like the idea of free dental check ups, which means I'll have no excuse not to go.

Conservatives:
I like their pretty website and the fact that they will leagalise beating the homeless, lynching gays and battering minorities.
I don't like the fact that their spending cuts will eliminate cushy public sector management jobs like the one I'm in.

So having considered all the facts and thought long and hard over who to vote for I have come to a conclusion. And that conclusion is that I still haven't made up my mind. I will watch one more news bulletin and whomever makes the best case in that one will get my vote.

And to think there are people who will go into the voting booth on Thursday and vote for the candidate with the silliest name.

Which is one of the reasons why democracy doesn't work.