I went to see The Amityville Horror last night. It was an 'OK' movie. It scores Banana on the MB fruit scale of movie ratings.

Scary movies don't scare me as I'm a grown up. I'm a sane and logical individual who doesn't believe in the supernatural. Nothing goes bump in the night. Apart from the burglar who could come in through the extra large window in the kitchen.

Anyway, last night I'm lying in bed trying to come up with a solution to world poverty and suddenly I hear noises:

Whuuuuuuuurr, Whuuuuuuuurr, Whuuuuuuuurr.
Hissssssss, Hissssssss, Hissssssss.
BANG! BANG!

The shakes start. The noises go again. By this time - I AM TONY MARTIN. I strive for a logical explanation for the noises. As I get up to investigate, I try and explain them away and think of something that could be making the noises. It sounds kind of like the washing machine on short spin.

I step into the kitchen, cricket bat above my head ready to splatter the brains of any would be assailant with a text-book cover drive. Usually after being cover driven, the bowler would probably pitch the ball shorter so I feel I should follow this up with a back foot shot - possibly a hook or a pull.

And then I realise that it is the washing machine making those noises.
I had turned it on before going to bed.
I am so stupid.