It is raining!!! In May!!!! In Manchester!!!!! Who'd have thought it?

I walk to the tram. I try really, really hard to rein in my Gene Kelly gene and not start signing in the rain.

There is a wicked wind whirling up the road. The rain batters against me, soaking me to the bone. What is curious about this picture is that I have an umbrella in my hand but I do not have it up. It is just not worth the effort.

Ever since my faithful red and white striped umbrella went to the big Lost Property box in the sky, I've had to put up with a really cheap and nasty black umbrella that my Mum bought me. We're not even talking about a Tesco umbrella or even a Primark one - this was probably purchased from the local Market. It's the sort of umbrella you see half stuffed into a bin on a Friday afternoon.

It has a tendency to turn inside out in at the slightest hint of a gust. This makes it far too much work when there's a wind. I'd rather just get wet. And I am only going to work so I could quite easily spend half an hour getting paid to dry myself on a radiator. Plus, everyone I work with dresses more like Jarvis Cocker than Sven Goran Erickson.

Plus you have to factor in the reality that my hair is now much shorter and I have some wax in my desk drawer so the need to keep my "do" in pristine condition has decreased.

I wait for the tram and wipe the resevoir of water from forehead. There was enough water there for the entire county of Kent to wash their 4 x 4 s. Hosepipe ban, my arse.

I get on the tram and reach my destination. The wind has subsided slightly and I decide to risk my umbrella. With a flick of the wrist, I extend my umbrella. As I raise it to open it, making the correct lightsabre like noises as I do so.

Are you interested in knowing why I decided to put my umbrella up? I have come up with a formula which you can use to calculate the "MB Co-Efficient of Umbrella upness."



Where on a scale of 1-10: R is the strength of rain falling, U is the resilience of the umbrella, W is the wind speed, H is the importance of keeping your hair dry and P is the need to stay looking beautiful. And don't forget Pi. Mmmmmmm Pi. Once the co-efficient goes above 22 I will put my brolly up.