Beeep Beeep Beeep!!!

The security alarm in Selfridges goes off. This coincides with me walking into the shop. I look around to see if any Scousers also happened to be walking in at the same time. The lack of perms and shell suits and the fact that this is the third consecutive shop that the alarms have gone off in as soon as I have walked in, makes me wonder if I'm to blame.

Thankfully the beeping has stopped so I pretend nothing has happened and edge towards the shop.

Beeep Beeep Beeep!!!

The security guard walks towards me, probably to talk about the weather. I turn towards him.

Beeep Beeep Beeep!!!

It doesn’t take a genius, or even someone who was too thick to get into the police, to realise that some Johnny No Stars from Boots or HMV has left a security tag on some of my legitimately purchased goods and that it would make everyone’s life easier if I could find out why I am setting these alarms off.

A bling of chavs, with bulges in their coats, gather round. He swings the first bag and the chavs inch towards the doors looking like a bunch of children trying to dodge a water sprinkler. There are no beeps. The chavs walk back. The Boots bag swings towards the security gates and it starts beeping. The chavs shoot through the gates and scatter throughout the centre.

Now I have identified the offending items, I have a couple of choices. I could either return them to Boots and demand that they stop me beeping or I could just simply remove the security tags myself. As I sit in the busiest thoroughfare in the middle of the large shopping centre which may or may not be near my house on one of the most hectic weekends of year removing security tags I notice that one of the "statues" on the walls turns to face me and his left ear lobe starts blinking red and a very large bald headed man in "plain clothes" comes and stands near me and pretends to itch his forehead while whispering into his sleeve.

I search for the receipt, although I do not need it. I am finished and now I have in my hands three plastic security tags and the power to cause mayhem! Who shall I pass these on to? I could stick them to someone’s back or I could try and stick them to a greeter who every time they say hello or ask you if you want a basket, they’d set the alarm off causing mayhem.

I stand behind a wheelchair user, who is waiting for the lift and stick them to the back of her chair. I prepare myself for that special place in hell.