We go seasonal, holiday, peace to all on earth, nativity, advent, winter time, happy holidays, season's greetings, xmas shopping. Which is a terrible mouthful and could be shortened to "C****tmas Shopping" had the liberal media, left wing local government and Dan Brown not banned the use of the word, in their "War on Christmas".

One of the problems with trying to go shopping at this time of year is that everyone is out and about creating an orgy of consumerism that would've made the little Baby Jesus very happy, after all this is a kid who got Gold for a christening present. But this year it is strangely quiet. I haven't seen anyone yet. No pushy shop assistants. No Slade. No reindeer hats. This is nice. I purchase 4 presents before I see anyone. It is my Canadian Girlfriend, who insists that I get dressed and log off the Internet so we can go shopping at the very large shopping centre that may or may not be near my house.

After starting our shopping the correct way, by spending an hour in Starbucks, we head off. It doesn't take long before we encounter a problem.

"You see that girl and fella over there?" I say.

"The guy in the blue tracksuit whose girlfriend is kneeling suggestively in front of him while looking at a book?" she replies.

"Yeah, we're on the exact same shop schedule as them. I've seen them in the last three shops we've been in. I think they think we're following them either that or they think I think they're following me."

"Well I have to make the first of my ten trips to the bathroom and thus upset the balance of the day by making you walk past a few shops, walk to the bathroom and then walk back the wrong way down the bottom floor back past the few shops so we can restart from where we are now." My Canadian Girlfriend says.

This complicated but effective system means we don't see them again.

Gift buying is proving exceptionally difficult this year. I like to have a good balance between gag gifts, easy gifts and thoughtful gifts. My Little Sister and Dad get the thoughtful gifts because I like them best. My Mum gets one thoughtful and one easy gift because her Birthday is on the 21st and getting two ideas in a month is difficult. My Aunt, Uncle, Big Sister and Brother-in-Law get the easy gifts - walk into the Pier / Next / Gadget Shop and buy something. I have learnt the hard way not to stray from the pre-agreed list of items I have been given to buy for my Nieces.

And I will sprinkle in a few gag gifts. My Uncle, Dad and Brother-in-Law, who are all involved at various levels in Churches, will be getting Firebox's Holy Toast this year. And I will get a few from each category for My Canadian Girlfriend, but thankfully, she is very, very easy to please.

This year, not only do I have to come up with ideas for me to buy everyone but I have to come up with ideas for My Canadian Girlfriend to buy people. And what's more, I have to come with ideas for things for people to buy me. So I am doing three people's shopping. This is getting very stressful.

We go into Boots and look at their three for two offers and hopefully find two things to accompany Spirograph, one of the pre-agreed presents I can get for my Niece. I hold up a nice looking box with a Swiss Army Knife in the shape of a credit card and a super-powerful flashlight in it.

"This looks cool. It's the sort of thing My Brother-in-Law would like don't you think?" I say. My Canadian Girlfriend looks over. "I think it's great! It'd mean you'd never lose it because it'd be in your wallet - unlike all those knives which are probably in some parallel universe by now. And you'd be able to see in the dark." I lay the foundations and stress "If I were him, I'd be happy to get one of these.". The bait is out there, I'll sit back and read the Angler's Times and see if anything bites. My Canadian Girlfriend says nothing.

"Hmmm," I ponder, "but that is only two gifts. We'd need to find a third to take full advantage….. Maybe you could look in Town during the week and see if anything takes your fancy?" She says remains silent and her face moves less than Jimmy Carr's after a session of botox.

I give in. She does not seem to be picking up my signals. I will have to find another subtle way of letting her know I'd quite like one of these for Christmas.

P.S. And another thing about presents this year, there are more and more presents with "A great gift for Dad!" written on the outside. Which is a nice pointer but what sort of people buy this stuff? Do they not have an imagination? What if Boots' idea of what is a great gift for Dad isn't suitable for my Dad? My dad could be allergic to cheap aftershave.

This is just another way the liberal nanny state is invading our lives.