1. Chew on a Yorkie and lose a filling
2. Chomp mouth several times to make sure you’re not in pain
3. Ignore
4. Accidentally mention it to Canadian Girlfriend bringing on endless nagging
5. Go on to the NHS.uk post code search
6. Go off to NHS Direct
7. Use their self diagnosis tool and see how many questions you can answer “Yes” to, before it tells you that you’re dying and have to call an ambulance
8. Ignore tooth
9. Purchase tooth picks to make sure hole stays food free
10. Endure more nagging
11. Make mental note that normal excuse of “If it carries on till Monday, I’ll get it sorted” no longer works as hole will not fill itself
12. Go to NHS.uk
13. Find local dentist accepting NHS patients – these are the ones with green text near them
14. Print off address and phone number of dentist
15. Absolutely guarantee Canadian Girlfriend that you’ll ring the dentist after work
16. Leave print out on desk
17. Pretend it was engaged when Canadian Girlfriend asks
18. Ignore tooth
19. Start using excuse that “It’s so close to Birthday / Christmas / Valentines / Easter / Mother’s Day / Spring Bank Holiday / Old Trafford Test Match / Start of football season / Remembrance Day * – and no one wants to have a filling then do they? I’ll ring them after that.” * Delete as appropriate
20. Buy more tooth picks
21. Grow attached to the hole in your tooth; name it “Henry the Hole”
22. “Accidentally” tidy the print out into the big circular filing cabinet
23. Begin to get bored of having to fish steak, chicken, turkey or fish from the hole
24. Reprint information because you fancy a morning off work
25. Make appointment for three weeks time
26. Notice on NHS.uk that, the day after ringing, the dentist closes the NHS list
27. Forget what time your appointment is, forcing an embarrassing call to the surgery to ask what time I’m due in
28. Park up on Tom Reynolds Road
29. Walk into the Surgery holding head high, pretending not be nervous
30. Walk out of the surgery after realising that you’ve walked into a doctor’s surgery
31. Walk into the correct surgery
32. Admire the Sarah Beeney like transformation from a mid terrace to a 3 dentist surgery
33. Dodge the hazardous radiation from the x-ray being taken in the cupboard under the stairs
34. Sit down in the waiting room and pick up a magazine
35. Oooh and aaah at the pictures of Diana and Charles – they’re gonna make such a lovely couple
36. Wait
37. Accept apology from Practise Manager
38. Repeat steps 36 and 37 for about one and a half hours
39. Start to get wary of the crazy man who’s talking to everyone while he’s drinking strawberry milk
40. Be introduced to your new Dentist whose Greek-Romanian-Afrikaans-Russian accent is very difficult to understand from behind a mask
41. “Well I’d fill that now but we’re running so late…”
42. Take the first 9 a.m. appointment they have – in two weeks time
43. Chew on some chicken the day before, sending a shooting pain up through Henry the Hole
44. “So I bet this doesn’t hurt but this does? Right we’ll be able to do this without anaesthetic”
45. Watch the sweat drip off the dentist forehead as the Dentist struggles to get the filling in
46. “Wider. Wider still.”
47. Swill and spit
48. Arrive at work to find that no one had noticed that you hadn’t actually been in
49. Spend five days in absolute agony as a throbbing pain resonates through your gums as the filling “settles down”.