"So let's talk tactics..." says my Austrian friend and the boss of our 5-a-side team. It was very much in vogue to appoint foreign managers about ten years ago and since we're playing in Bolton and they tend to be a good few years behind the trends, we thought we'd appoint him as boss. And he also owns the ball we practise with.

"Well I reckon I should start on the bench" I say until it is pointed out to me that as Goalkeeper not only am I'm going to have start but I'm going to have to play the entire game. This is my first competitive 5-a-side game since 2000. The last really competitive game I played was a quarter final of my Unviersity's Trophy for teams finishing 5th-8th in their leagues. A kind of Uefa cup but sponsored by the Balti King by the Slug and Bucket.

You can smell the fear in our team before we even start. Since we have never played together as a team and the majority of our team are over 30 we are starting in the bottom division. Nerves are frayed as we walk onto the pitch to face Locamotiv Leigh and notice that none of their team even seems to be old enough to shave let alone play football. We are gonna be given the run around here.

"This is what it's all about Reds, feel the atmosphere!!!" I say as the one supporter coughs, "Where else would you rather be?"

"Actually," my Scottish team mate replies "I'd rather be bathing my young'un"

"Well if you're really missing it, you can bath me later" our mentally challenged City supporting team mate says.

At half time, the score is 8-6 to us and according to the Ref it's 'the sort of football I'd pay to watch'. I've shouted so much that I sound pre-pubescent. The second half is a bit more one sided and we run out 20-10 winners in what I think represents a decent score. For American football that is. Or the first two minutes of a basketball game.

In the end we played excellently, despite me giving away a penalty which could've seen me done for Actual Bodily Harm and me deflecting a shot which was going way over the bar into the back of the net and me letting a shot slip under my hands from their token fat player. The aches and pains I am feeling today though are testament to how much extra effort you put in when there's something to play for. Even if that something is promotion from the bottom division the Wednesday night league and your own engraved plastic trophy.

End of the day, we were the better team and in the our superior football skills told out. And if that's the case then we as a nation really need a Government sponsored task force of celebrities (since they know everything), like Harry Hill and Debbie Mcgee, to look into why kids today aren't learning decent football skills and can't beat a bunch of old men.

Or Macedonia.

Or Croatia.