With Christmas round the corner, I thought I'd better give my place a proper clean out so the place looks good. This time of year is very special because not only is it nearly time to get Christmas tree but I will soon be getting the only two visitors I ever get to my den. For some reason, at this time of year, my two friends normally come round to visit bearing gifts. And I then have to make them wait outside while I frantically search for something to give them and then wrap it in three year old "Simpson's" Christmas wrapping paper.

Anyway, while clearing out, I found the following punch lines that really require a story to go behind them but, in true Never Mind the Buzzcocks style, I thought I'd just give you these and let your brain do the rest.

And that stands about as much chance of happening as Monty Panesar does of being picked by England.

I better give that mug another wash just in case someone has wiped it with the Polonium soaks dish cloth.

After mini-muffins and massive mince pies, we decided that we should only eat foods beginning with M. Malteasers beware!

I wish those lads would speak English. Not because I'm racist or anything but just because I'm nosey and like listening in to other people's conversations.

But if Jason Donovan is really playing that working men's club in Blackburn, at least my career is going in a better direction than his.

So since what I was humming turned out not to be the Mr Benn theme tune, the next question is what was it?

And then the tram door nearly took the back of my head off.