Elivis Presley's "Jailhouse Rock" booms out across the football field.

This is unsual. Even for me. The local kids' "Summer Camp" is having a party and have decided to pitch their marque up right behind my goal. This must be what it is like to be Barry George, FC United's partially sighted Goalkeeper - not the one who killed Jill Dando, and play in front of the loudest supporters in the land. But I am not being treated to football anthems like "Under the Boardwalk", "When FC United come out to play", "Die, Die, Glazer, Fucking Die" and "We hate Blackpool Mechanics". I have to put up with a very badly sung version of "Lola".

This makes playing football very difficult. Communication is the key to playing well as a team, or so I read in the FA's football coaching book. My team can't hear my helpful cries of "Man On!", "Easy! Time!" and "Keeper's Ball".

Thankfully, the band takes five minutes and I have time to hear myself think. "I wonder if "Girl with a One Track Mind" will ever make the GCSE reading list? It was a darn sight more enjoyable than Silas Marner. I don't remember George Elliot explaining the act of 'tromboning'."

And then the band kicks off again with that song from the advert a while back that I think is called "I love you baby". Which is actually a football song. I have heard Arsenal sing it. And just as the song ends, as clear as day, eveyone, including the children in the tent hear me proclaim "Fuck!!!" at the top of my voice as I palm the ball into the path of an on-coming attacker who blasts it home.

The lead singers voice strains and wobbles as he comes to the end of "Hey Jude" and there are loud whoops and hollas. They have finished. I can go back to being relaxed and concentraing on the football. I have time to hear myself think. "If you crossed a monkey and a rooster would it be a mon-ster or a roo-key?"

"Who wants an encore." shouts the lead singer. in a gruff Haslingden accent that sounds like he's been chewing sandpaper all day. The recognisable introduction of Blur's "Song 2" (aka "The one with the woo hoos!") blasts out just as the ball slips between my legs, making the onion bag bulge.