"Can you put this up on your noticeboard?" a random neighbour asks.

I become instantly suspicious because that is what we Britons do when strange people ask us to do strange things. Especially when they are our neighbours. As far as I could know I could be putting up a sign which goes against social-liberal norms dictated to us by the Guardian and supports something like fox hunting, listening to James Blunt or voting Conservative.

And I get even more suspicious when the person asking you to do this look like a cross between Jesus and Bill Oddie.

"I noticed some youths on the compound the other day." said Jesus Oddie. "They were stood near the bike rack - no doubt looking for some bikes to steal to help feed their crack-cocaine-PS2 habit. I thought I should warn everyone since I HAVE NO DOUBT THEY WILL BE BACK."

Not wanting to look like someone who would hug a hoodie, I put the notice up.

"You're MB aren't you? You have the ground floor flat that overlooks the garbage hut don't you? I noticed you like to leave your windows open all day when it's hot. I think you should reconsider since these kids will nick anything that's not tied down. They could come in through the windows and steal everything. EVERYTHING!!!

Now I do not know which is more scary, some kids trying to nick a bike or the fact that my neighbour knows all about my life. I will start to close my windows because I don't want to come home and find Jesus Oddie teaching some ducklings to walk on water in my bathtub.