I am getting a new back door tomorrow. I should have had it put in over 6 weeks ago. Barney, the big purple dinosaur, I have as a builder called me this morning. Remebering the first rule of talking to builders, car mechanics and readers of "The Sun" I dropped my 'h's and swore more.

"Sorry I ain't been round to put the door," my builder / dinosaur said, "but I woke up one morning in March and had completely lost the sight in my left eye. It only returned last week."

"Kewl, whatever. So wen you puttin it in?" I replied in my most common of accents.

"I was hoping to come by tomorrow morning and do it first thing."

"Well I ave to be at work, like. I'd pull a sickie but my boss is a right arse."

"Ok I'll come round and pick the keys up tonight."

So about 8, after watching the-best-TV-advert-for-contraception "The House of Tiny Tearaways", he hadn't shown so I give him a ring and his wife picks up and I ask for him. As I speak, I hear in the background "Oh Bollocks, is that MB - I'd forgotten about him."

He turns up to get the keys. Now there are several things that you rely on without checking, like the fact that the sky will always be there, that you can flick a switch and get electricity and that the George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine is good for you. Another is that your spare set of keys actually open the doors they are supposed to. Anyway, to cut a short story long - between now and 9 AM tomorrow, my door will be unlocked! Which is our little secret, so don't tell anyone.

"Oh and one last thing," Barney said as he left, "I won't be putting the door on myself, it'll be someone else. And I don't know how trustworthy he is so I wouldn't leave any valuables about the place."