"Place the item in the bagging area!"

I am using the self checkout at the Supermarket. Beep! Mixed peppers. Beep! Sultanas. Beep! 1/2 bottle of own brand red wine (Purely for the Bolognaise sauce!) "Age verification required, please call member of staff" The security guard comes over and taps in a pin number and then retreats.

As I scan my Cous Cous, I reflect, I do feel empowered but I miss the way the check out attendant greets me and so obviously flirts with me because of my irresistibility. This electronic voice just doesn't do it for me - maybe I could flirt with the security guard next time he comes over.

I am worried about putting my apples through as I do not have the wealth of experience and knowledge that a Check-Out Girl has. How will I know what type of Apples they are and what the special secret code is? And then I find the name and the code on an idiot proof sticker on the apple. Easy! Easy! Easy! I chant, like I was watching Big Daddy vs Kendo Nagasaki.

I am on a roll! Well actually a granary bagel and they have no handy label sticker on them. So I search through the menus. The closest I can find is "plain white bagel", which are cheaper. I key it in and in the process, steal a few pence from a faceless corporate empire that makes huge profits.

"Place the item in the bagging area!" I do, very quickly, and in a "trying not to be suspicious" way. I pay and walk towards the door without looking up or breaking stride.