This is torture.

My stomach is knotted up with anticipation. I can hardly concentrate. I have had three cups of coffee to calm me down but I am jittery. I can barely keep my mind on my work. Or anything. Holly Willoughby could walk into this room right now, dressed in a leather cat suit and offer to do things to me that are illegal in 30 of the 50 US states and I wouldn't be interested. (Its her off Ministry of Mayhem, Google her and then watch it on Saturday on ITV as they have a midget called Ray)

My Canadian Friend is meeting Laura, our Mutual Friend, to get some juicy gossip on another Mutual Friend. She has promissed to text me as soon as she has found out. The two of us could gossip for England. Well she couldn't. She could gossip for Canada but will hopefully get a British passport soon so she will have dual nationality and be able to choose who she gossips for. A bit like Kevin Pietersen.

Ever since this meeting was arranged we have been discussing the likely possibilities. Could he be making his French live-in-Girlfriend an honest woman and marrying her? Could they have split up? Could she be pregnant? Could they be moving to France? Could he have grown a third head?

I know a watched pot never boils but I've been staring at my phone for the past hour. They went to lunch at 12:30 - surely she should've texted by now. Maybe I'll chase it up. Right soft key, new message, "What was it then? Something and nothing I bet.", send message, 6, 999, 0, 222, 2 66, search, OK, send. And then I get a reply.

Turns out he just got drunk and tried to kiss a male co-worker.
Which is, I think, the absolute antithesis of something and nothing.