I feel like I've been swallowing razor blades and have Animal the Muppet playing a drum solo in my head. I am sick. I do not usually get sick. I am not looking for your sympathy. I am maybe looking for you to express a bit of empathy, maybe send me some good will wishes, some white grapes and buy me a tin of Heinz Cream of Tomato soup.

In the past three years I haven't had any time off sick. Last January, I suffered from a 24-hour flu which lasted six an a half weeks but I never had a day off. I prefered to infect my co-workers with germs than stay at home. But today is different. I have decided to stay at home and nurse myself better.

And for the record, I want to make it absolutely clear that I am not staying home because Season 1 of "Lost" mysteriously appeared on my computer's hard drive. Absolutely no connection between them at all. None whatsoever.

I swallow some anadin, unwrap a Hall's Soothers and lie back down on the sofa.