I am buying a flat. Its not the one that I had a look around but it is on the same development and a stone's throw from that flat. I know that because I threw a stone and it hit the other flat. I have to meet with my mortgage guy because we are aiming to complete before Australia win the Ashes. So that gives me about 2 weeks.

He is coming to meet me in the canteen of a place which, if I named, I would have to kill you. He is in a rush as he isn't being paid by the hour. He takes a deep breath in and begins talking very quickly.

"Well I have this mortgage from Halifax, which is a special offer to my company. Its about something something something. And then there's something something something. And you have to pay something something if you do something something. This is what it looked like before being soaked in Cillit Bang and ten seconds later its clean. Mallet's Mallet is a word association game, you mustn't pause, you mustn't hesitate, or else you get a bash on the head like this or like this, the one with the most bruises loses and our first word is...."

Or at least that is what I think he said. I kinda drifted off in the middle. As soon as I heard the words Halifax, my mind started replaying the 'hillarious' ads with Penfold from Dangermouse singing away. And I started to worry, would I be endorsing the use of rotund singing men from Birmingham if I signed up for this mortgage?

"So if you want to take that mortgage then sign here." he said.

I take the pen and sign.