“Look I have to go!” I say trying not to explain why I want to go shopping on my own the week before My Canadian Girlfriend’s birthday.

“Can’t you just stay here today and go shopping another time? I’d really like it if you could just stay here this afternoon.” She replies, not getting the subtle hint.

“I kind of have to go this week. I can’t go next weekend.” I say, emboldening my voice for added emphasis. There is a short delay while the penny drops like a Plinko token on the Price is Right.

“Oh….. I see. Well do you remember the rules for going out on your own?”

“Yes of course I do,” I reply, bullet-pointing my speech for ease of reading.

• “I am not allowed to make eye contact with any other women.”
• “If I have to ask a female shop assistant for advice, I have to start with ‘I am shopping for a gift for my Girlfriend’.”
• “While I can stop at Starbucks and I will be allowed to consume a muffin and a coffee, I will not enjoy it”
• “I will text at least every hour with an ETA on how long I’ll be”
• “If all else fails I should fall into the foetal position and sound my rape alarm”

I go shopping for super secret things!!!

In particular, I am looking for one super secret thing. I have picked up that there are four main guidelines - listed in order of relevance - I have to work within:

• It is white
• It has a zip
• It is big
• It has pockets
• It doesn’t cost too much

Personally, I am not too concerned with the last one as I am already so far over the pre-agreed limit on spending that it’s not really worth bothering about.

I manage to see lots of examples of examples of the super secret thing I am looking for but so far nothing that has caught my eye. There is one with tassles which hang down and, I imagine, get in the way of everything. Plus who’d want a super secret thing that looked like an unkempt buffalo.

Oh yuk! This super secret thing is so unbelievably cheap and nasty and chav-y. There are gold studs everywhere. Ever seam has little metal gold pyramids on it and there are gold chains hanging off every corner. It looks cheap, nasty and tacky. I would expect to see this super secret thing being rested on top of the fag machine at the King George in Eccles while Tracy hitches up her boob tube and tries to find some change as Sharon drones on about how she can have any man she wants. There is no way I can buy this. Don’t get me wrong, she’d love it. She’d absolutely love it. It is the most perfect super secret thing I’ve seen today. But there’s no way I can be seen with her while she has it.

And then I go into Aldo; a Canadian shop for a Canadian Girlfriend. If ever there was a perfect match this is it. I find a super secret thing that matches all five criteria – it is even on sale.

I punch in my PIN without making eye contact with the woman at the counter and head towards the car. Super secret shopping is over for six months.