"You've got time! Play the easy ball! Keep it simple!" I holler from the other end of the 5-a-side pitch. Adrian, the Wednesday League Division 2 version of Christiano Ronaldo, completely ignores my advice and dribbles past all four outfield players at least twice.

His silky skills reminiscent of Pele, Maradona and Best, light up the pitch like a fluorescent bulb dangling from the ceiling in a bright white police interview room. He flows round defenders like a bubbling spring stream full of fresh salmon making their way towards the source. His legs, like long grass in a swirling wind, jink from side to side, keeping the ball closer to him than a mother keeps her new born child.

He pulls back the trigger and fires a shot off like a bullet from a gun. The ball sails over the cross bar, over the netting behind the goal and into a bush.

Everyone looks around for a volunteer to go into the bush. I do not like going into the bush. It is very overgrown and makes it very difficult to find anything. You have to really reach into the bowels of the bush and really struggle to part dense foliage. It also makes my nose itch and can be quite prickly and has sometimes been known to make me come out in a rash. Also, it smells funny and leaves a strange taste in your mouth afterwards.

Dan, the closest one to the bush at the time, reluctantly, dives in.

"Hey Ben!" I say, wandering out of my area to talk to a team mate. "Maybe you should give him some shooting lessons, especially after you hit that one into your own net from the half way line."

"Fucking Hell! That was six fucking months ago. Can't you fucking just let it go you cunt?" he replies in a jocular manner. I love the banter between team mates.

"Give the ball to me! No one's marking me." shouts Peter, our token special needs, Manchester City supporting player.

"Pete, it's gone over the fence," I say "But while we're waiting for it to come back consider this. Is it true that the only reason the Government wants the Super Casino next to the City of Manchester Stadium is because people are used to going there and throwing their money away even though they have no hope of winning anything. And that even though the roulette, the poker and one arm bandits are going to be in the Casino, the crap games are going to take place next door."

He looks at me vacantly while the cogs turn as he tries to figure out if what I had told him was true.

And then Dan, our intrepid explorer, returns from the bush. The ball has miraculously changed colour. It is now yellow.