I get some culture!!!

When I originally planned our weekend in London, I had expected to gain some faux-culture by watching Spamalot and looking at Kylie's hot-pants before spending the rest of the weekend having filthy and dirty sex in a Travelodge. I rue the missed opportunity as we walk into the "Wallace Collection" in London's Mayfair.

Before we'd even set off to London, I'd relented and agreed to go to the British Museum and I thought that would have been enough proper culture. After spending most of my formative years rushing home from school to watch William G Stewart on Fifteen to One, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about over the Elgin Parthenon Marbles. Although imagine my surprise when they turned out not to be little round bits of glass but rather big slabs of stone.

The "Wallace Collection" contains "The Swing" and we are going to see it. Apparently this is a painting and it's a famous one too. So famous that even Canadian Girlfriends have heard of it and admired it since they were children.

I try not to show how bored I am. I have to keep telling myself to put this in perspective. For someone who likes art and is cultured, this is a special day. It's like meeting Eric Cantona on the way to watch a Test Match at Lords with Holly Willoughby. But let's face it, this isn't a very well known painting and it is JUST a painting. So it's more like bumping into Karl Maginson down the local while waiting for your go on the pool table.

The gallery tour starts off well. There is a series of rooms full of armour and stuff to kill people with. I have some fun imagining that I am wielding the two handed European renaissance sword from the sixteenth century and can't help but think what people would have looked like when I had diced them up like a stick of celery.

But after I move on disaster strikes. I am stood admiring the muskets and I want to move on to the next cabinet – daggers – but someone is stood there. I could commit the cardinal sin of just barging in front of them while they're busy staring – I know from my time spent admiring myself lifting weights that it can be very annoying when someone stands in front of you. I also don't want to skip the cabinet as the daggers look cool and stab-y.

Hmmm, I wonder if the Supermarket trick works? This is a strange town and a strange building but it could work. I invented this trick whilst in a Sainsbury's. All you do is look up from the shelf, count to three and take a step towards where the person is standing. You need to aim for about a foot and a half in front of them – close enough to be uncomfortable but far enough away to not stand on them. And then ten times out of ten, even if they're not finished looking - they will willingly swap positions with you. I count to three and the plan is executed with perfect precision.

We finally get to "The Swing" and it's a lot smaller than I expected. I don't want to come over all Sister Mary but as the title suggests, the painting features a swing. There's a young woman with curly hair on the swing. She is kicking her shoe off while her gentleman friend is lying on the floor getting a quality up skirt beaver shot. A little kinky nymph looks on in some sort of medieval version of dogging.

And then we move into the final room which seems to contain paintings of nipples.

I feel my cultural experience has been well worthwhile.