I need a new sport.

This is a very important decision to make. This not a simple decision like "Do you want a coffee?" (Yes!) - it is much more involved and requires careful consideration and deep thought, kind of like "What shall I have as a Text tone?"

I had decided that for my text tone I'd have that dramatic organ music - you know "dum dum dummmmmm!" - that would be beneficial at work too when people start making mountains out of their molehills. But you try and figure out what you're googling to find that tune... Because I can't. I'd go down to my Church and ask the organist to play it so I could record it but since she's about 85, I'd expect it to be "dum.... dum.... (I can get this, hang on) .. .. .. .. dummmmmmm).

But choosing a sport is important, I don't want to just play any old sport. There are requirements:

I have to be able to train all day every day for it. I don't necessarily have to be training for this sport all the time but I just need the freedom to go to the gym when I want. Hell, "going to work out" would even be part of my job. So breaking down what I need to do to achieve this, I need a guaranteed income of around £40,000 a year. This, coupled with some "self employed" tax fiddles, would not only give me enough to live on but a nice healthy pay rise too!
So that rules out anything with the word "Amateur" in the title.

I want to be world class with the minimum effort. The inspiration for this post comes from watching "Simply Sumo Wrestlers" on some random Sky channel. The testosterone was already pumping after 'normal Sunday morning activities' and then I caught this show. It followed some British girls wanting to become international Sumo Wrestlers. They went to the World Championships and got medals and shit. "World Champion at …" would be very nice to put on a CV although I would probably settle for being "Britain's Number 1"
So that rules out the popular sports like "Football" and "Cricket".

"Look at Eddie the Eagle, that girl who laid down on a tea tray and that bird that looked like David Bowie who won the gold medal for pushing stones on ice", you say, "You should take up something like that!"
Hmmm, a slight problem with that. My long term aspirations in this sport mean it has to be future proof. So with a Canadian Girlfriend - it has to be something that I can also be world class at if we happened to move to Canada at some point in this lifetime.
"Yes, I'm Britain's #1 Ice Hockey Player. I was the reason we qualified for the preliminary rounds of the World Championships."
"You have to qualify? There are preliminary rounds? I thought it was just a matter of how many goals you beat the USA by in the final, eh."
And then I'd get on the ice and barely be able to skate and, if I'm lucky turn out on the "3rd line" in a pick up game in Dog River, Saskatchewan.
So that rules out anything with "ice", "snow" or "lumberjacks"

And the flip side to that last requirement is that I don't really want to have to move. It would be very easy to emigrate to Sri Lanka and start turning out for their football team, or go to the Isles of Scilly and play international tennis for them, or go to Australia and captain their cricket team. I need to be able to, at least for the initial period, stay in Manchester.
So that rules out anything requiring "sun"

I want some physical contact. I was a bit of a girlie-man at school. Once, during Rugby practice, I was sent to play for the "First team" because in the words of the teacher we so affectionately nicknamed "Satan", I needed "toughening up". That didn't work and I remained a bit of a nancy-boy through most of my teens and early twenties.
But now that I'm a bit older I can see that with the tragic shortness of life and the gloomy, looming, inevitability of death - I really want to push myself and try to prove that I am a real man.
So this rules out the soft sports like "Badminton" and "Rugby League"

I don't want to get seriously hurt. This goes without saying. I am very pretty and I don't want to lose my boyish good looks because of a stray elbow, boot or steel chair.
I also have a dodgy knee and have had to wear a brace on it for sports since I was 13. I've been one "big hit" away from needing knee surgery since then. It all happened when I was fielding at deep mid wicket and was running around to my right. I planted my knee in the grass, forming a perfect long-barrier and whilst my knee stuck into the grass - my body continued moving, there was a crack and I tumbled over. I stopped the ball, which when you're 13 is all that matters - even though adults watching from the other side of the pitch say the sound made them think that I'd broken my leg.
So that rules out "Pro Wrestling" and most martial arts.

While I want to push my boundaries, I am far too old to try and face any major fears. I only have the normal male fears of:

• Swimming
• Spiders
• Intimacy
• Commitment
• Giant Godzilla-like monsters attacking New York City

So that pretty much only rules out "Swimming", "Diving" and "Giant Lizzard Wrestling"

I don't want to have to take drugs to be a success.
So that rules out "Athletics" and "Baseball"

Ah, well. Looks like I'll have to become a Gladiator then.