Beep! Beep! Beep!

I hit the off button. Sixteen minutes past. That's two snoozes and it's time to get up. I jump up and head towards the shower. My showering has become pretty mechanical - I can even do it in my sleep. I start by standing back to the shower head and begin by twisting my back from side to side and pushing each shoulder back like I was doing a Manual Dexterity test on the Krypton Factor. The water flows over each shoulder.

I reach for my shampoo and pick up the conditioner. I wash and rinse my hair. I reach for the conditioner and pick up the shampoo. I condition my hair using a massage technique I learnt from a 16 year old girl. I suppose I should come up with some form of system to identify which bottle is which. I could stop taking two bottles into the shower although technically I don't "take" them into the shower as they are already there. I resolve to keep the conditioner on the left hand side.

I turn to face the shower head. I later up my left pec first. I don't know how I got into that habit but that's what I do. I wash. While washing, I consider my schedule for the day. I am seeing Becci who seems to have got lost on her way to California and spells her name with an "i" and a heart above it. Then I have to see the woman with tiny little shrimp eyes and sit there while she tells me how to do my job. I rinse and use my face scrub because today is shaving day.

Shaving has been my bete noir ever since I hit puberty, turned 28 and had to start shaving. As my father has had his beard since he was 3 he was never a source of much help. Everything I have learnt about shaving has been through trail and error. Mostly error. However, I would recommend using a face scrub before shaving as it has dramatically reduced the number of 999 calls I've had to make because of shaving accidents.

Suitted, booted and freshly shaven I head to the lounge and turn the computer on. I take my bagel from my bagel butler, cut my bagel using my bagel slicer and put it into toaster choosing the bagel setting. Oy vey!

I go to check the computer time, today I think I am running a little bit behind schedule. My Canadian Girlfriend still sleeps. I am never quite sure what to do. If my Canadian Girlfriend doesn't get enough sleep then she gets grouchy in the mornings. If my Canadian Girlfriend gets too much sleep then she's late for work and grouchy in the mornings. But on the plus side Grouchy Canadian Girlfriend is better than when she has the exact amount of sleep and is Hyperactive Canadian Girlfriend.

It's twenty to one. 00:40. Fourty minutes past midnight.
What the fudge?

I stumble back into the bedroom and pick up the alarm clock. Sure enough, at some point during the day yesterday, my alarm clock has decided to reboot itself. The time is OK because its radio controlled but the alarms have reset themselves to midnight. I turn the light on and set the alarm to 6AM.

My Canadian Girlfriend sits up and is neither grouchy nor hyperactive. She enquires as to what I am doing. I explain. She laughs and falls back to sleep. I get undressed. Lay my suit out on the floor and recline in bed.

I spend the next three hours trying to get back to sleep whilst thinking about what a twat I am.

Post Script: Everyone I have told this story to finds it hilarious. I do not.