I wake.

Big Jim’s “alertness” leads me to think it must nearly be time to get up. The past couple of weeks he’s been working better than an alarm clock. I check the alarm clock and its five minutes before the beeps go off. My alarm cock is right.

I had been in the middle of a very strange dream and one that seems to be recurring more and more. I am walking around Tesco and am greeted by friends I haven’t seen in ages. They are always in pairs too. I see so many people I’m no longer in touch with – maybe I should check Facebook. Oh my God, that blasted website has learnt how to infiltrate my dreams!!! At least this is better than the other day when I woke in a panic when I realised that wearing a hat in the sun is no longer optional and now has to be done to protect my ever increasing forehead.

As my dream fades into a distant memory, I lie in bed thinking of ways I’m going to spend the seven and half hours at work and stay in one piece so that I can make it home in the evening. And then I feel a sudden disturbance in the force.

As the dark and mysterious world of sleep is leaving my body and I am becoming more self aware, I have noticed that I am not wearing any trousers. I remember putting them on after I came back from the gym. I’m sure I would’ve noticed if I had spent the entire evening walking around without any pants on.

I look down by the side of the bed and sure enough there are my pants. They were on my legs last night and now they are on the floor. I do not remember waking up in the middle of the night, feeling hot and taking them off. I can’t have taken up sleep-stripping because I still have my vest on.

Hmmm, the story of the man and who lost his pants. It’s like that musical about that guy Joseph who loses his Technicolor Dreamcoat but this time it’s with pants. And there’s less singing. And even less attempted Fratricide.

Beep Beep Beep! The alarm goes off and I rise and move towards the shower. I vow not to rest until the mystery of the self removing pants is solved.