A tram which is 77.34% full pulls into the station. This is a shame because once it gets over 78%, it officially becomes snug. Snug trams are a god-send for the perverted as they can push their sweaty body against a young nubile sales assistant from River Island and get a chance to cop a feel without facing more prison time than Michael Shields.

Although I have no actual experience of this you'll understand.

There is something wrong about the tram today though. People are talking. There are two loud and distinct conversations going on! This is very unusual - normally even the conversations. The first is going on between a jovial looking fat man wearing a Metrolink fleece and a business man and the other is going on between two men, one of which is wearing one of those funny little hunter's hats with the big dog ear like things hanging down the side.

I pause my iPod so I can listen in. (I leave my headphones in as I don't want to look like a complete snoop) And then someone else joins the hunter's conversation and she does so with a wonderfully soft and delicate US accent. (Or it could be Canadian. Or maybe Australian. Or even South African. Or from Gorton. I'm not very good at accents) She reveals herself from behind one of the hunter's ear flaps and boy is she blonde. She is Blondey McBlonde of Blondesville, South Dakota.

Things I learn from listening in to the conversations:

• The Metrolink Guy laughs very loudly
  
• The guy who the Hunter is talking to is going out with Blondey (although I didn't get this from listening in, I got it from when he grabbed her ass)
  
• The Hunter owns or manages the Armenian Restaurant in Manchester
  
• Every time Blondey McBlonde opens her mouth everyone turns to look at her
  
• The business man claims to have seen the Metrolink guy several times "out and about" (I make a mental note of the business man's features so we can get a decent photo-fit on Crimewatch should it be necessary)
  

I wish I could join in because there are lots of questions I'd like answering. What does the little green button do on the right hand side of the driver's seat? Is there anything stopping me getting a season ticket which only covers "one zone" and then just lying to a ticket inspector about where I got on? Which area of the US does that accent come from? Can I get one of those orange Metrolink Hi-Vis jackets to wear down the pub? Do cuffs and collar match?

However, I am reminded of the old maxim of traveling on the Tram. When two strangers talk on the Metrolink the chances of one of them being a complete nut case is 1. And there's a 50% chance that it is you.