I don't think the bank want my money. I receive my reasonable Visa bill. Since the introduction of Chip and Pin, I have introduced a new way to curb my outlandish spending. I do not know my Visa card's PIN number. This works very well.

So I go to fetch my cheque book to pay the bill. I can't find my cheque book. This does not come as a surprise as I normally pay my bills at work (It's not like I'm going to waste my own time writing cheques). After clearing my desk of useless strategy documents which have been there for 6 months and been superseded by at least 4 other "versions", I realise my cheque book is not there.

I go to get the bill so I can go and pay the bill with cash. I can't find it. I suspect that I tidied it off my desk with the "Vision Statements". I am now feeling that Cantona's dad is trying to test me. But since I don't want to incur the 3000% interest rates, I must find a way of paying the bill.

And so it comes to pass that I have to walk to the Bank on the coldest day ever recorded in the history of the world (Source: Daily Express). I get there and go to pay my bill. "While you're here, can I check your account details?" Sanjay the bank teller says. "Do you have a mortgage?" he asks. It is now when I realised that when he said "Can I check your account details?" he actually meant - "Can I try and sell you some more of our banking services?".

"Is that how much you pay per month?" he says as he takes a mechanic-like intake of breath. "I'm sure we can save you money on that he says." Little does he know that this is the third time we've had this conversation and

Surely there has to be another way?

And then it hit me! How about a version of Celebrity Fat Club where over-thin celebs are forced to gain weight. Sienna Miller tied down in a "Dentists Chair" position while Harvey squirts Cream down her throat. Jarvis Cocker being locked in a "Saw"-like room, forced to eat meat pies and fish and chips until he can find the key to get out. And a thin Anne Diamond being forced to eat the yo-yo biscuits by order of the Department of Ironic Punishment.