A Secret Santa / Bran Tub is fraught with difficulties. Firstly, there is not much that can be bought for a tenner and there's even less that can be bought for a tenner that can be given to over sensitive co-workers. However, this year's effort from the place-which-if-I-named-I-would-have-to-kill-you was taken in good heart. Even the traditional present of Edible Undies was accepted with a smile. Everyone was happy.

Except me.

I was not offended at the musical bottle opener, which, let's face it, is quite practical even if every bottle I ever have has a screw cap. Neither was I upset at the three bars of Dairy Milk which were purchased to pad out the gift.

I was, however, slightly upset at the black thong I was purchased. Although I wasn't upset at being purchased underwear - I think it was a very cute idea.

I'm just upset they bought an Extra Large one. It is made to fit someone with a 40-42 inch waist. Even during "The Fat Years" I only ever got up to a 38. And I've worked really really hard to get down to a 30" waist. So I am quite insulted that they thought I was an XL (although, Sarah Beeney take note, some parts of me down there are very big). Unless they had a sneaky master plan and bought me the chocolate to fatten me up so I could fit into an XL and the bottle opener so I would start drinking alcohol again and, in particular, Black Sheep. Or does that give them too much credit?

Thing is, I really want a new thong and am pretty pleased someone bought me one. I've wanted one since the leopard skin one had to be thrown out during my move. So the question is, do I want one enough to go and return a £1.99 one to Woolworths?