I met one of my neighbours today. I'd like to say that I live next door to the most beautiful girl in the world but I don't. But in equal measure she doesn't look like Shrek's uglier cousin. She's a very ordinary looking "girl next door" type.

After the informal formal introduction was out of the way we discussed our new flats. "I absolutely love the area." she began. "Its so hobo round here. Everyone's got their own individual style, the prairie skirts, jeans tucked into boots and all that ethnic jewelry - it's fantastic. The shopping amazing too. All those cafes and the independent music stores. You can just imagine bumping into Sienna Miller can't you? Its so hobo."

So it was Mrs Jude Law I saw selling the Big Issue then! I didn't have the heart to tell her that she means Boho - especially as I don't even know what Boho means. We get on to talking about problems with the flats. "Well," she says, "I didn't have any hot water for the first week. And then they sent a man round to look at the boiler. He was messing with the pipes and pulled a hose off and water came gushing out of it all over the carpet!"

"So he rushes to turn the water off at the tap and that comes off in his hand and water starts spraying out of there. Now I have two leaks on my brand new carpet and he only has one pair of hands. He's sitting there trying to put the tap back on while I'm trying to catch the other leak in a bucket. I felt like I was on the Crystal Maze. I was expecting Richard O'Brien to suddenly shout out 'Come out! 10 seconds left'."

"And then after about five minutes, he gets the tap on, turns it and it makes no difference. So he comes back to the boiler and fixes that after another ten minutes. I offer him a brew and tell him to sit on the sofa. I come back to find that he's so wet through he has taken his overalls off and is sitting there in his pants!"

Cool! I live in a cheap porn movie.