"You're ringing your hands a lot do you want some moisturiser?" my Canadian Girlfriend asks.

She's very observant when it comes to things like that. And if she's noticed that then her pretty little mind will be ticking away and follow it up with the next logical question. She is very intelligent like that. There is a short silence.

"You only do that when you're upset about something. What have I done?"

"No it's nothing you've done." I reply. I hesitate. "Do you think I look a bit too gay today?"

I am wearing a blue vest, jeans and my Oakleys. My hair is styled no different from normal in a fatter than usual Hoxton Finn with the tips still showing the blonde colour I have had for the past month or two.

"Not at all. Why would you say that?"

"Didn't you hear those Football Fans at the Tram Stop singing 'Who's the Rent Boy in the blue?'?"

"Well they're probably just jealous. I'd take that as a compliment if I were you. Rent Boys are notorious for having kick ass bodies and tiny little waists. And they're usually very pretty boys too."

"And they sell their bodies for sex." I remind her.

There is silence. As I said earlier, she's very clever and always knows what I am thinking and what to say to make me feel better. I'm sure she'll dig herself out of his hole with ease.

"It could've been worse," she says. I look up with my I-very-much-doubt-it look on my face. "They could've asked you to do a Robot Dance and called you to Peter Crouch."

She is right. That would've been worse. I am currently very torn about my likeness to Mr Crouch. He is gaining "Cult Status" and his popularity is on the rise - I am thinking of cashing in and joining a "Look-a-Like" agency. Maybe I'll get to cut the ribbon at an Aldi or a Netto. I have even been perfecting the robot dance.

Although all this will be short lived, so I should cash in when I can. By the end of this month, when England crash out of the World Cup on penalties to Portugal (which is what it says on the Excel Spreadsheet I filed in), his popularity will plummet and he'll be a national laughing stock again.

And those people with the "Peter Crouch is a Cult" banners will only have to change one letter.