I am happy. The smile on my face is so broad it would make the Cheshire Cat jealous, as long as he doesn't mind having wonky coffee stained teeth. I am more excited than when I get a comment. I am more excited than when I found out that two other people subscribe to this blog through bloglines.

Glazer United open their season on Saturday against Everton. The tantalising trickery and infinite talents of Rooney and Ronaldo would usually have me salivating and counting down the days. But ever since "The Troubles" started, I have not been looking forward to it. My club now the evil blood running through its veins and until the occupying force leaves, I will only feel aprehension about the future. There's no excitment to be found there.

But we do sit on the cusp of the most important test match that this country has staged in 24 years. England's hero and the home town boy Andrew Flintoff has captured the hearts and minds of people just as Ian Botham did all those years ago. The adreneline is starting to pump through my gravy system and I doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight. The Aussies are on the back foot and Fred is spear heading the attack. The packed crowd, which will include me, will be buzzing and the atmosphere will be electric.

But that isn't what I am most excited about. I am excited because I have done something that no one else in the world has done. I am unique and from this moment I can confirm my long held belief that I am the centre of the universe. I have reached a Nirvana, a plateau of spiritual existence that only I and that guy who plays Father Jack exist on.

I've found a tram on Google Earth!